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Category Archives: humour
The School Report
I’m writing here a useful guide For those who’ve never taught, To help you understand the terms Used in a school report. Teachers are most careful when They write the terms events; They’re honest but they’re careful, So as not to give offence. A “lively” child is often one You peel off from the wall. …
Votes For Slugs
I think that sentient animals Can suffer awful pain If we deny they’ve feelings No one stands to gain. We are human creatures Who share our planet Earth With all the other animals And all have come to birth We cannot claim a greater right To live our lives in peace So has the tortoise …
Fly Brexit Airways
The A220 aircraft Cruised through the stratosphere But passengers in transit Had heard of a new idea For miles below at Heathrow The atmospheric pressure Was higher than it was onboard And nicer and much fresher. They had a referendum To open up all the doors Remove this cabin pressure Some passengers clap applause. If …
Give it ten minutes
If I had three wishes that would really come true My first one would be to beat dad to the loo. I’m sure he eats something that’s different from me. How else could that smell that’s from hell come to be? Of course ALL poo smells; can’t argue with that But this smell would pole-axe …
Flood Response
You may have seen the pictures Of wading cows and sheep And wondered how a farmer Can cope with floods that deep I know some farms diversify But now I’ve seen it all Pigs are learning breast stroke And chickens the front crawl Dogs do doggy paddle And ducks have always swum But cows don’t …
Corps de Ballet
You can’t tell them apart Each a martyr to their art Manifold sore toes And muscular torsos Aspiring learners Become modest earners Growing from duckling to swan Yet ambition’s long gone. Auditioned Sylphide But did not succeed Also Coppelia Ended in failure Never staged alone She’s always the clone Her amazing grace Her identical face …
Diet
My day is a minefield of temptations. Breakfast is oatmeal and yoghurt and fruit. See, I start each day with good intentions Then, come summer, I will fit my swimsuit But Mephistopheles has a biscuit And I run a Cadbury gauntlet paying for fuel Try your birthday cake- but dare I risk it? Each calorific …
Doughnut
You can’t eat a doughnut delicately. Sugared lips demand repeated sweeps Of your pasty sticky tongue. And thick red nectar squirts or drips No matter how you turn This golden speckled feast. So that, jam stained As a voracious three year old, You self consciously Lick and slurp the errant filling From embarrassed fingers.
Treading Carefully
The cheery Aussie border guards insist You’ve cleaned your worn-out shoes; you have not missed Some hidden sodden clod from mountain trails High up in some remoter part of Wales There are no exceptions; it’s his duty To ban soil from other lands of natural beauty. Cambrian hills of peaty purity Cut no ice with …
Taid of Life 